Death Comes For An Elf
by Rose G
Summary: Ever wondered what would happen if Death had to explain death to an inmortal Elf? Especially one from Middle Earth? Read on and find out.


Death For An Immortal

Disclaimer - Some characters and settings belong to Terry Pratchet, others to Tolkien and a fair few points to Douglas Adams.

A/N - I was in a strange mood when I wrote this. Ignore. [ ] represents a footnote.

Ponder Stibbons glared darkly at Hex and its mouse, heedless of the students gathered around him. Ridcully rolled his eyes and ignored him, but the infernal contraption [these two words are in need of a hyphen] carried on scribbling.

Hex had no idea of an untruth; that was the problem - it had no way of coping with fiction and Mad Drongo had recently began to read it fiction. Fantasy. Waaay out fantasy.

Ridcully mumbled something about Bursar not being allowed near the machine ever again and Ponder had to agree. Looking down again, he saw Hex's newest scribble.

+++ Watch out! My Preciousss is coming! Oh my Preciouss! +++ Error in Ring +++ Remelt and reforge +++ Wizards come back +++!

Aaargh! It was enough to make a man scream. And because of the narrative conventions that rule Discworld [those parts not under the rule of self-interest] [I.e. very few] some one did scream. It was echoed by a crack of thunder. [Mysterious happenings have to be accompanied by storms.]

An Elf - Stibbons couldn't think of what else to call it because it was none of Ankh-Morpork's species, and not like what he'd seen of the Dungeon Dimensions - was sitting by Hex. It had pointy ears, braided hair and a strange expression with _really _freaky eyebrows. It blinked.

'Where am I?' 

'In Unseen University.' Stibbons grimaced; the Elf looked ready to tear someone's nose off with his teeth.

'Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, Commander of the Elven Army and Ringbearer.' His voice was musical, putting Stibbons in mind of what the Folk Music and Dance Society ought to sound like but didn't. [This may have been caused by the fact that the Librarian was the foremost teacher in their ranks]. 

Hex went insane on the spot, as Stibbons was prepared to swear a few weeks later. The delay was caused by Vetinari having to cut through the rambling, worse-in-the-known-world Vogan rivalling poetry in Quenya.

The students - once they'd stopped trying to convince spaceships to commit suicide, cut off invisible second heads and grow third arms - swore that Hex was surrounded by an octarine glow that turned black. 

Hex for obvious reasons, wasn't asked. [In Ankh-Morpok, statements from the accused are seen as a waste of valuable smoking time by the Watch, especially as they rarely have an innocent accused.]

Death looked gloatingly at Elrond, then grimaced when he realised that his appearance wasn't having its usual effect. Then he winced. Falling off of Binky into UU wasn't that comfortable.

MY WORD, HASN'T THIS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING MASTER ELROND?

Elrond started to look confused then had a thought. [Widely acknowledged as being the most difficult act for a male Elf except one.] 'What's been a long time coming?'

YOUR DEATH. ACCORDING TO YOUR LIFETIMER YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED 5 AND A HALF THOUSAND YEARS AGO.

'But I don't even exist here.'

YES YOU DO. YOU LIVE HERE IN THAT BOOK THAT MAD DRONGO READ TO HEX - THE BOOK THAT BROUGHT YOU HERE. NOW YOU ARE DYING OR AT LEAST CEASING TO EXIST.

'I didn't exist there, either.'

YOUR EXISTENCE IS A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION OR SOME-ONE ELSE'S, AS IS EVERYTHING. THEREFORE NO-ONE CAN EXIST AND NO-ONE CEASES BUT LIFTIMERS RUN OUT EVEN ON DREAMS. YOU ARE OVER.

Elrond's head was starting to spin and Death was worrying about whether he'd hit his head when he came off Binky. His worries increased a bit more when Elrond spoke again. 'I am an Elf. We do not die unless slain however much life depresses us and our wives leave this world by their own means. You cannot kill me.' He paused.

'And I refuse to be a figment of the universe's imagination. I am at least a fragment.'

Death muffled a scream. MAYBE THIS WILL HELP CONVINCE YOU. He pulled a small box from his pocket and held it open.

'Bingeley - bingeley - beep! Things to do today. Argue with Death. Beep!' Death looked at it and hit the imp with its own hammer.

'I am immortal!'

NOTHING IS. EXCEPT ME. AND THAT. He indicated Hex. [Also taxes and hatred between England and Germany.]

'Everything is immortal because the universe is. They will always be part of it, therefore I am immortal! And because I am immortal I know the answer to all the questions of life and the universe and everything else.' Elrond sounded distinctly smug.

WHAT IS IT THEN? I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THAT FOR YEARS.

'42.' He smiled.

Death muffled a scream and wondered if he could get a cup of tea. Next to the pair, a depressed computer flicked a light and there was a soft thunk as an eyeball hit the floor, still clutching a Ring. [There have been no Dark Lords on Discworld since the Wizards discovered that light travels faster than dark [except dark light which is faster than light dark] and therefore covers all species all of the time.]

Just then Great A'Tuin shook one leg slightly, and Elrond promptly fell over the Rim towards his own Middle Earth. Death followed him only slightly reluctantly [the terrors of falling through space are nonexistent to anybody who has ever ridden Binky], still brandishing an empty lifetimer and a rat that'd come along for the ride. 

SQUEEK-EEK-SQUEEEEK!


End file.
